I’ve decided to keep my mental health story to only describe the techniques that introduced some order to my chaotic internal world of voices (alternate characters.) I refuse to be describing the grooming, the force and the targeting I’m fortunate to remember I have been privy to, or the abysmal treatment by a mostly ignorant to trauma mental health institution of My country. I had experience of voices from early childhood and thought it was normal though I questioned the crippling sense of inadequacy and shame of existence I felt. I learnt others in my life felt more robust with such negative feeling and this only added to the dilemma of being unsure to my true value. I’m almost fifty-five years old and female.
I consciously discovered maybe eighteen years ago that my voices were with noteworthy opinion, but there existed a pervading sense of illiteracy. Some basic words I would self-talk with (self-talk includes directed to my voices,) were individually perceived with different meanings by many voices. I took to reading dictionaries and would focus on a common to myself word, asking voices their understanding of it of which was frequently inaccurate. As an extreme example the words love and hate were often introverted to opposing meaning, split between different voices. To use “I love” could cause fear, rage, panic, hatred, argument, dissent or friendships between voices. I studied my dictionaries and soon began to develop a long explanation of the meaning of love, including the principal how love is recognised through action. I found learning word meanings exacerbating because each simple and common word i used use in my vocabulary needed repeat dictionary defining to many dozens of voices. I learned that voices exist in their own time frame and because one voice or two voices heard my self-talk, there were many who hadn’t awareness of the commonly used being dictionary meaning explained. This whole process took years to proceed with helping gain a quieter inside self. The technique finally dismissed the conflagration between voices. When voices were consumed by disagreements life was dire, i was unable to engage in any socialisation. Most of my life is missing due to the effect of trauma.
Next, after sensing voices were begin forming alliances with certain and specific other voices, I began what could be described as an internal committee formation. The key drive being equality and development of a mutually supportive environment. I had had experience of committee process and had an interest in socialism and communism. Explaining the concept of equality was easy if i disregarded the flaws of each of the above political systems having leaders/rulers. The key success of my internal alliances I believe was; My being willing to rotate who chaired meetings, I laid down the concept of project groups. Project teams would be able to present to the committee concepts and critical arguments for forward moving action, this involved acceptable attitude discussion, acceptable behaviour discussion – questioning permissible by all except the project team. Ideas would be voted through. I had basically found alliances with voices who qualified my preferred outlooks by conveying essential base values to those voices i had poor communication with.
Essentially the ethos of equality caused me to relax even though in that relaxation i willingly handed over autonomy to voices where they wanted control, (called executive control.) To build trust in this internal committee i had to persuade and convince voices that all of us who asked were to be told the truth, especially myself. A mantra was for the voices ‘ if you want to experience your dreams we have to make Me better because you are fragmented parts of myself and i want you to have a good life’.
The lounge I asked voices to mindscape was highly successful, with its expanding walls. This lounge was for casual discussion where all could create a space of personal style to suit oneself or cooperate to suit many, I had fun here too but mostly viewed the end space. A key rule for the lounge was there was to be no bays obscuring anyone from view from the whole room because there are many hurt individuals who are insecure and fearful of hidden people. The lounge concept paved the way for voices learning to collaborate and cooperate, these skills were transferred to the committee room which allowed all with want to attend, including the children. Some adult voices mindscaped a playground based on childhood playgrounds which helped me form alliances with voices. I assigned by committee approval carers to watch the child voice and other young ones. A suggestion would literally be thrown forward in the committee room, form order and discuss, adjourn, return and discuss with a show of hands to carry a motion forward. Motions could be altered by discussion and involvement of a project team but motions remained or were even paused if one voice brought forth a dangerous reverberation in relation to it – we could sometimes discuss as a committee a topic for many days. A project team would need time to prepare and were asked how long they wanted for preparation.
Sometimes I had to agree to allow voices autonomously control my body for the rights of equality (no choice me really.) and a displaying of trust. We as a committee for making life right formed safety rules to abide by, this included rejection of the actions of sex and blatant rudeness – took at least a year to explain the whys for these to so many voices. After the committee began to run swimmingly we adopted the title ‘family committee business’. The word family was tricky because in childhood I’d been failed by many in my family. You can say the word family was a trigger word leading to distress. The Mother word was definitely a trigger word of distressing arguments where i hated hearing it. After time i adopted by force calling myself mother to the children before all voices. Soon the internal voice world adopted, each according to age identifying sex familial titles – it certainly worked at revealing the voices characteristics of existence, it brought forth further alliances. Differences politely tolerated.
It was strange after We became titled a family business of communistic values and socialistic roles, we began reviewing on each other’s strengths and weaknesses and further friendships developed, sometimes based in compassion, sometimes in hatreds but always curiosity. Some voices friends became so agreeable towards one and other that small friend groupings began talk as one voice. It felt good and less tormentingly noisy in my body. I perceived voices were assimilating with each other, but one voice outside of my thoughts is still fragmented from the whole Me, (I still grieve the burden of separations). I still had to slog intellectually through surveillance of my internal world in hope improve harmonies between different friend groups or and individuals.
One day I felt really out of sorts and insomnia struck for several weeks bringing in so I thought chaos and panic. I retreated to my bed constantly because only there could I engage in mothering my distress with the action of empathy, compassion, a willingness to enquire into the distress with the soothing words of: “ I will try my hardest not to let that happen to you again.” Being believed and trusted triggered frisson and a sense of physical movements throughout my body and organs. Experiencing the accompanying terror based in past memories I somehow felt confident in my independence and when nicer feelings began to unveil in flashes away from terror I felt curiosity. The panic attack lasting days was drawing to a close and it wasn’t the feared death my back brain was telling me it was fusion of my voice into Myself. My body had transformed in my minds eye into something more substantive, before I’d felt 30% cellular real now l felt 80% cellular real. I gained a stronger hope for healing because I now knew the process I experience to absorb voices and reclaim more of my brain to conscious control, other voices now don’t exist but I still experienced terror and insomnia to lose the voices.
I’ve a seemingly endless supply of alternative aspects (voices) to my personality. I’m definitely less fragmented now. I yearn to partake in exploring with compassion my hurts again but unfortunately a trauma manifestation got me termed psychotic and am forced take treatment to ‘Our’ detriments. I suggest reading ‘Drop the Disorder’ edited by Jo Watson to elucidate yourself on unwanted westernised treatment of mentally distressed individuals by institutions.
Choose Happiness for Ever.