Hey, first time posting but don’t know where else to turn. Been hearing voices for about 5 years, started they think due to trauma as have various health issues that have needed surgeries and am now currently adapting to living life full time in a wheelchair.
My voices manifest as auditory and visionary, I see ‘The Man’ who looks like a real person but can sometimes take on a hologram effect if other people are in the room or he wants to get through shut doors etc. His aim is to see me suffer as much as possible and he controls the voices, little black creature like things that he keeps in a cage and lets out frequently to scare me or help me make ‘his version’ of a correct decision (self harming, running away, pushing others away, suicidal thoughts).
I have been lucky enough that I was diagnosed with psychosis because I was on a physical rehabilitation programme after being bed bound for 20 months and they happened to have a psychologist on the team. At that point I had been suffering with them for a year at least but had been too scared to speak up, I thought I’d get locked away and never see the world again (stupid stigmas!) Obviously this was not the case and I was referred to the Early Intervention Team where I received 3yrs of working with support workers and attending groups. At my end of the 3 years they did not feel I was ready to be completely discharged so was moved onto adult mental health team. Received a care coordinator who checked in with me every 3-6 weeks depending how I was, more frequently if I was in a bad patch. So from that point of things I know I have been SO blessed because I know so many have to fight for even a GP’s appt.
I now see a psychologist once a week to try and get to the bottom of my voice hearing (meds haven’t worked so next step was talking therapy, am still on duloxutine and quetiapine though). I have always struggled to talk about the voices and especially the man but things are really bad right now. I’m very much struggling working over video link rather than face to face appointments with the psychologist who has been amazing but the last 2 weeks have caused hell for me because last week I spoke too much about the man and he is so angry.
They keep telling me to use coping mechanisms, distractions etc and I know there’s not a lot else they can do for me. However I feel in an impossible situation now. I want to accept this help they are giving me in the form of the psychologist but things have got deep now and the voices are making it near impossible to say anything. I don’t know whether to quit the treatment to settle the voices because talking through my life story doesn’t seem to be helping. We’ve found what he thinks is the centre of it all but it’s my past, it’s stuff that has been and gone, we can’t change it so I can’t see how it’s helping me.
I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful I know people fight for this treatment. I want to fight for it too. But tonight I’m so scared for myself and my family that the man will hurt one of them. He has done before and I know he will again. Can’t call crisis team. Will alert parents and they think I’m coping and are going through so much of their own things right now. Also can’t call psychologist. Man won’t physically let me. Wouldn’t know what to say anyway. So not sure what I’m asking really…just for some company in people who understand and any coping mechanism ideas that have worked for you I would love to know. Feel like almost everything has been suggested to me but sometimes theres that diamond in the rough! For example have recently found out how dunking head in cold water resets parasympathetic nervous system so helps calm you down. Releases same things as self harm would but you’re not actually hurting yourself. Can’t believe I went this long not knowing it, it has been very useful. Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance just for creating this group I guess, and for being members in it because I see you all helping each other day in day out and it’s so beautiful to watch. You are all amazing people xx ~ Anonymous, UK