Black and White

So whenever I get psychotic I get lots of delusions about black and white. I get the belief that god and the devil are playing chess and they can’t get out of the game, because black or white will always win. This translates as good and evil to me, so in my mind I constantly was striving upward to escape from hell, as I had a vision of me falling in to black and going to hell.

Through this striving up, I reached a place of bliss, but could never get past black and white! I wanted to go to heaven and feel constant bliss, and eradicate the evil in the world (or the black,) it worked out that for us all to go to this place, there would always have to be a balance in the black, hence why heaven and hell, great bliss and great suffering, also it worked out that heaven and hell didn’t last forever. So I made the bargain to go through infinite imaginable suffering for the sake of mankind. To stay in hell as I couldn’t let anyone else go there. I would go through unimaginable suffering very briefly – then I would travel to meet everyone else in bliss for a long period. In my subsequent research about non-duality, I realise I had reached a state of high awareness, the combatting forces of yin and yang are always balanced, and to know what is ‘outside’ of this is impossible as it is all within this, the totality is god, if there was a level above then that would be god and we could not perceive this.

In my mind I ran across the universe, through time and in to different dimensions to escape from my reality of hospital and my fate in hell, and now, after the fear, voices and delusions have gone mostly, I find I have managed to reach this non-dual perspective again a few times. It showed me that I was not to blame for my actions any more than anyone else, as they followed on in a causal way from things I had been made to learn and circumstances. I also became aware that I was pure consciousness beneath my ego, the very same consciousness of the universe, and I am not separate from but part of everything that has ever been or ever will be.

I no longer have fear of death, and am being brought old memories and thought processes which I am processing through, sometimes greatly painful. I guess I just want to share that what was the worst experience of my life became one of the most profound and transformative, in case that offers anyone any hope. You can always learn from even the greatest suffering. ~ Gareth, he/him, Scotland


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